Wrestling Wrap Up: Kane Uses Dark Magic to Survive Seth Rollins’ Ankle Attack

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Gonna be a quick and dirty Wrap Up this week. A fast and filthy column. Like street meat for the soul.
Not much to report these days as the WWE spends a ton of energy hyping this Saturday’s big MSG show on the Network. An event I’m actually excited for though I do feel like these “filmed house shows” should feel different than actual PPVs and that the WWE’s currently having a bit of trouble trying to figure out how much promotion this one should get over Hell in a Cell.
Look, I get that the MSG event happens first and then HIAC comes a few weeks later, but the fact that they’re not hyping Taker and Lesnar’s rubber match at all to me is insane. Like, there’s no mention of it because… Brock has to face Big Show first? It doesn’t make sense. And yes, it is rather hard to get past the fact that, on RAW, both Big Show and Kane – two wrestlers we all respect yet also have no desire to see occupying huge storylines (polite, diplomatic response!) – are getting huge pushes. Which means that we’re to basically forget about the past few years of these guys’ careers for a few weeks and pretend like they stand a chance of winning something.
Because we remember things. It’s a curse. And it’s not just being a wrestling nerd. It’s part of being an active consumer of entertainment. It’s how we watch TV. And it’s why modern, serialized TV shows (hopefully) pay attention to continuity. I think it’s kind of funny that wins and losses supposedly don’t matter in the WWE when they do on other programs. Not that other shows have “matches,” but the idea of wins, losses, triumphs, defeats, and so on all
do matter on good, reputable shows. And so we as active viewers remember the fact that Kane – regardless of Corporate or Demon form – is a giant jobber. Using that term rather coarsely, I know. Or that Big Show has been suffering through non-ironic “Please Retire!” chants since the post-Mania RAW.
So not only do we not buy their sudden rise in stock, but we know it won’t last. Which means you don’t invest in it. Or you do invest in it and and then sell quick or… something with money. I don’t know how stocks work. Or the economy. Or goods exchanged for services. Moneys goes in mouth, yes?
Sure, Heyman tried to cover for Big Show by explaining that he’d grown bored and complacent (a quick cover for his years of menial, middle road, flip flop booking), but the first thing we think of when Brock and Big Show are brought up isn’t their feud in 2003. It’s Brock beating Show in 5 minutes back in 2014 (or, especially, Show getting slammed out of the ring by Cesaro). Because that was part of Brock’s recent run. And just a few months before he broke Taker’s streak.
So while Brock vs. Show is a bigger match than Brock vs. Kofi (considering the Network’s last featured “live event” in Tokyo), it still doesn’t justify ignoring Brock’s HIAC match with Taker. And I’m not even expecting that to be a good Cell match (those don’t really exist anymore). I suppose it’s not out of line to expect Taker to – perhaps – show up at MSG at the end of Brock/Show. To kick a crotch or two. Vince has decided to bump up a match that was originally intended to take place at freakin’ WrestleMania and I’m only going to be as interested in it as he is. And right now, it seems like a paltry afterthought.
As mentioned, Kane’s also riding this recent big man nostalgia wave. And last night he participated in, I think, the longest segment in RAW history. Which was a Kane performance review followed by a Rollins performance review followed by a sneak attack followed by swarm of medics followed by an ambulance ride followed by a mystical resurrection followed by a closing attack.
I suppose I’m perfectly okay expecting Demon Kane to be more powerful than Corporate Kane. That’s fine. Alter egos and all that. But a supernatural resurgence that allows Demon Kane to shake off a broken ankle? And what of those poor paramedics? Were they all smoke-groped and mist-molested? My beliefs were being suspended HARD watching this one. But I was mostly on board, I guess, since it was already a stretch in this first place to see Kane in this world title program at all. I mean, getting down to it, that’s basically more unbelievable than magic powers healing busted feet.
I do wonder though what HR Ashley thought of Kane’s spooky transformation. Should that go in her report or were her findings already complete? Or were her findings just a bunch of murder-y doodles of devils and knives? Either way, Ashley should evaluate everyone. And report back to me. In an intimate location away from all this madness. Where we could peruse performance reviews and create S.M.A.R.T. plans for everyone so as to encourage and enable improvement in specific areas of weakness. Oh, Ashley, please approve my sick time. #PushAshley
Oh, and thanks to Sharan on Twitter for notifying me of this. Ashley’s the mothereffin’ real deal…
#AshleyEra

Posted from WordPress for iPhone

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